Superman: Man of dickery

As was foretold by Nostradamus, someone has posted a snarky takedown of the plot holes in Man of Steel. I liked the movie okay but I admit to having low expectations. My good feelings toward the film may also be be as a reaction to the virulent antipathy one of my viewing companions had toward the portrayal of Superman. Have you ever stumbled across the online rantings of a comic book nerd railing against ridiculous minutiae? Watching the movie with this guy was like that, except I was hearing the words come out of an actual person’s mouth.

So I thought the movie was okay but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t be better. It was too long, for one thing, and the climactic action spectacle was kind of turning into a mishmash of violence and camera cuts by the end.

But why read what I say, when you can read the snark over at io9?

Samples:

(on Krypton)

Jor-El: Our planet is dying. Clearly, the only solution is to shoot a baby into space.

Lara-El: It’s the only thing that makes sense anymore!

————–

Young Clark: So I’m kind of thinking I should use my powers for good, to help people and stuff.

Pa Kent: HOLY SHIT NO. You must never reveal your powers to anyone! People will figure out you’re an alien! The government will take you away? Got it? You must never help anyone ever.

Young Clark: Even if it’s a schoolbus full of children about to drown?

Pa Kent: Especially if it’s a schoolbus full of children about to drown! You just sit there, and watch them drown, one by one.

Young Clark: That doesn’t seem right.

Pa Kent: And if for some reason someone else saves the bus, IT IS UP TO YOU TO PUSH THAT BUS BACK IN THAT LAKE AND MAKE SURE THOSE CHILDREN DROWN.

Young Clark: Wait, what?

Pa Kent: YOU ARE GOING TO BE A BEACON OF HOPE WHEN YOU GROW UP, CLARK, A BEACON OF HOPE THAT WATCHES CHILDREN DIE WHEN HE COULD HAVE EASILY SAVED THEM.

————–

Young Clark: Um, are you sure you don’t want any help, dad?

Pa Kent: I’m fine! Don’t you dare save my life!

(Pa Kent manages to free the dog who escapes, but Pa’s leg is broken; he obviously won’t make it back to the underpass before the tornado hits)

Dog: YOU PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES. (runs off)

Pa Kent: Goodbye, Clark.

Young Clark: Okay, you are literally going to die. I’m coming to get you.

Pa Kent: You’ll do no such thing! I’ve told you, you must not use your powers to save people’s lives!

Young Clark: Then when in the holy fuck should I use them?

Pa Kent: I don’t know! Later sometime.

————–

Zod: You know, this is total bullshit. I’m so pissed off I’m going to kill this nearby family with my heat vision.

Superman: All right, I guess I have to kill you.

Zod: No, goddammit! You don’t! I would, because I’m a fucking bad guy, but you’re supposed to be the hero! You’re supposed to find a goddamn way that solves this problem that doesn’t go against your moral code! And there are so many fucking ways you can get out of this situation without killing me! You could cover my eyes! You could fly off with me! And that’s just off the top of my head!

Superman: Well, if you really wanted to kill these people, you could, you know, just look at them.

Zod: I’m trying! You’re holding my head!

Superman: Yeah, but you know you can move your eyes without moving your head, right?

Zod: Oh. Oh yeah.

Superman: You’ve just been staring straight ahead and refusing to look around.

Zod: Okay. Admittedly, I feel kind of stupid. But that doesn’t negate that shit I said earlier!

Superman: Hey, you know what does negate it?

Zod: What?

Superman: $130 MILLION OPENING WEEKEND BOX OFFICE, BITCH.

(Superman snaps Zod’s neck)

Superman: Like that, sirs?

Chris Nolan and Zack Snyder: Just like that.

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