As part of the marketing campaign for Skyfall, the new James Bond movie, Sony Entertainment has released a browser-based text adventure game which is ostensibly a test to see if the player has the right stuff to become a spy for British intelligence. The last time games of this type were popular was in the 1980’s so it’s rather nostalgic to be playing this (admittedly, I’ve only played pure text adventure games as part of my retro-gaming hipster nostalgia freakery).
Still, it’s easy to forget that computers are goddamned stupid and are nowhere near ready to take commands phrased in natural language. Case in point:
Comprehension test: FAILED
AGENT: What’s my first move?
YOU: Hold on
AGENT: We have all day.
AGENT: It’s not like we have a problem with weapons of mass destruction in a Caribbean holiday resort to figure out.
AGENT: Anything like that.
YOU: Pull both white wires out at once
AGENT: Be as clear as you can. Appreciated.
YOU: Pull the white wires
AGENT: NO. Cutting wires at random is my last option. Want others first. Don’t care if you’re an expert. You’re not HERE. Ideas. Fast.
YOU: Call the bomb squad
AGENT: Device right in front of me. Five wires and a USB port. How to handle this?
YOU: Err
AGENT: Keep it simple. Say again.
TIME PENALTY: FIRST WARNING
YOU: Throw it into the river
AGENT: We’ve got the bomb. It’s even nastier in the flesh. Check the photo I sent and then advise me on how to proceed.
YOU: Plug the tablet into the USB port
AGENT: I can try plugging the tablet in. One second.
AGENT: Interesting. It’s displaying … hang on, I’ll transfer an image.
YOU: You need to pull out the white wires
AGENT: Explain your plan first. I’m not starting cutting until I know where we’re going with this.
YOU: The white wires are the main ones
AGENT: So you mean … actually, what do you mean?
YOU: THE WHITE ONES ARE IMPORTANT. CUT THEM
AGENT: No savvy. Re-state?
YOU: Cut the white wires NOW
AGENT: If you think you’ve figured out the image, tell me what you think it means. Then I’ll start cutting.
YOU: It means that all the coloured wires lead to the white one
AGENT: Not sure I understand. Put that another way?
YOU: The white one is the important wire
AGENT: Be as clear as you can. Appreciated.
YOU: The white wires power the bomb
AGENT: Put that another way? Sorry.
YOU: The colored wires aren’t important
AGENT: You’re right. The colours in the picture do match the wires. What do you think we should do?
YOU: Cut the white wires
AGENT: Sounds like you’ve got a plan. Spell it out. Don’t just tell me to start cutting wires.
YOU: CUT THE WHITE WIRES. THAT IS THE PLAN
AGENT: What’s your thinking? Not just going to cut arbitrary wires.
YOU: The white wires are key. You need to cut them first
AGENT: In other words…?
YOU: In other words, if you cut them the bomb won’t go off
AGENT: Keep it simple. Say again.
YOU: BOMB NO EXPLODEY IF WHITE WIRES NO WORKY
AGENT: Try and be concise.
Your progress is currently below average. The HELP command may offer ways for you to improve it.
TIME PENALTY: SECOND WARNING
YOU: Cut the white wires, because they are the important ones
AGENT: So you mean … actually, what do you mean?
YOU: The white wires detonate the bomb. Cut them
AGENT: Break that down for me once more. Please?
YOU: Forget it. You deserve to die
AGENT: So… put that another way?