The Wasteland

Right now I’m listlessly looking through apartment listings online. I’d forgotten the mix of anxiety and self-delusion one feels when looking for a new place. Still, every now and then I come across gems like this review for an apartment building:

Great place to live if you want to be close to your crack dealer.

I guess that’s why the rent was so cheap.

The No-win Scenario

I just realized something at work today which I will swear to my deathbed is unrelated to a specific coworker’s hygiene: telling a girl she has B.O. without ticking her off is essentially the Kobayashi Maru of social situations.

Spring has sprung

The real spring has come, instead of the spring that only exists on the calendar. Which is nice and all, but eventually I’ll have to face again one of my most intense dislikes: touching a subway pole without gloves on. You win some, you lose some.

How to pass the Turing Test

Employ animists to judge the test.
Employ small children to judge the test.
Employ the computer-illiterate to judge the test.
Employ the mentally-disabled to judge the test.
Employ the intoxicated to judge the test.
Employ the senile to judge the test.

Hip, hip, hurray

Okay, so I’m in the movie theatre right now waiting to see Grand Budapest Hotel and the place is packed.

What the hell, peeps? I thought watching an indie movie on a Thursday night would mean copious empty seating, like when I saw Coriolanus, but we are full up. I guess every other hipster in the city had the same thought.

Past is President

Odd fact No. 2,596,322 about the United States of America: Should George Washington return as a zombie, mummy, lich, revenant, poltergeist, or other type of undead, the armies of the United States are required to follow his orders. 

Whereas Lieutenant General George Washington of Virginia commanded our armies throughout and to the successful termination of our Revolutionary War; Whereas Lieutenant General George Washington presided over the convention that formulated our Constitution; Whereas Lieutenant General George Washington twice served as President of the United States of America; and Whereas it is considered fitting and proper that no officer of the United States Army should outrank Lieutenant General George Washington on the Army list; Now, therefore, be it

Resolved by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,

That (a) for purposes of subsection (b) of this section only, the grade of General of the Armies of the United States is established, such grade to have rank and precedence over all other grades of the Army, past or present.

(b) The President is authorized and requested to appoint George Washington posthumously to the grade of General of the Armies of the United States, such appointment to take effect on July 4, 1976.

Approved October 11, 1976.

Public Law 94-479

‘Nuff Said

A line from an online customer review on a manga I was looking at:

Someone is nearly gang raped or implied to have been gang raped in every volume.

I guess that answers the question of whether I want to read this series. And in case you were wondering, the manga is called Arachnid.

Game on

I know I’m incredibly late to the party, but I’ve just gotten addicted to the mobile game Game Dev Story. It’s a video game about making video games.

Basically, it’s a business management simulation where you have to hire and fire programmers and artists and whatnot and manage your expenses while your company turns out video games. The gameplay gets repetitive if you play too long but it’s a great way to kill time while on public transit.

Currently my company is making book and movie adaptations. We just recently released a romance simulation based on True Romance and a dungeon simulation of eXistenZ, plus an adventure game based on the comic book Sandman.

Don’t ask me how these games work, I’m just the president, that’s for the eggheads to answer. All I know is that they’re selling like hotcakes and I’m making money hand over fist. And that’s what’s really important.

Abandon all hope

I’m in line right now at a pharmacy with Surfin’ USA playing on the PA system. For reference, the temperature outside is 26 degrees Celsius below zero. Clearly the store manager is a sociopath of some kind.

No there, there

I just paid $9 for a mediocre sandwich because I’m stuck at the airport and have been for a subjective time of several decades.

I can’t remember offhand which theorist described airports and bus stations as no-places, as not being destinations but merely brief transit points. As anyone who’s been stuck waiting at one of these sites can attest, they are most definitely places, places of misery and boredom.

Thank god for smartphones.